It’s true. They exist.

However, most of you are probably wondering how on earth did I come across such a seemingly exotic and disjunct combination of experiences? Ok, here is my unedited story.

I have been having gastric issues. Weird pains, gallbladder misbehaving, now inflamed stomach. Perhaps, well most likely the effect of unstable diet patterns, my doctor suggested an endoscopy. They knock you out, but a tube down your throat, and look inside you. The pictures are very pretty and I was thinking of having them enlarged to commemorate this experience. After all, a welcome into my home would not be complete with an in-depth look at my esophagus and duodenum. Look it up. It’s not a bad body part, its just a funny and quite inappropriate sounding one. Can I see yours?

So, all I really have is a pissed off, very stand offish, angrily screaming stomach that decided it was time to throw a temper tantrum similar to a prepubescent teenager who just discovered sage is the new pink. Too much acid in my stomach. Will be corrected with proper diet, anti-acid medication, herbal supplements, and plenty of blog entries. As we speak (or write), I am enjoying a cup of Ancient Ginger Puerr Tea at my fabulous Path of Tea Japanese Tea Shop. Ginger is supposed to alkalinize my somewhat sour and acidic stomach.

In the midst of all this, I came across a website that helped educate me about proper diet during a gastric episode. In it, I learned all about the magic of beats, cucumbers, celery, parsley, and the calming effects of flax seed oil. However, down at the bottom left, peeking its eye below the beet soup recipe, was a link that did not initially turn my head. After a machine gun number of visiting to the same page, it pimped and bitched slapped me hello: the coffee enema. This was definitely going to be the next hot topic of conversation, until I wore the subject down to absolute inappropriateness; the kind my friends and loved ones are so accustomed from me.

Without going into too much unnecessary detail for a change, the philosophy behind it has quite some merit. However, it did beg for a plethora of ehs, huhs, what the hells, as if, oh my god, chuckles, you gotta be kidding, and of course, can I get mine venti, dark roast, skinny, iced, with a shot chocolate, a hint of cinnamon and two yellow packets? How about a grande caramel macchiato frappucchino hold the whip cream, with a shoot of peppermint (for that morning fresh feel), 3 unrefined sugar cubes, and a straw enema? Can I speculate as to how that would feel? Minty fresh? Tangy? Could I get addicted? My future vision is somewhat retarded and twisted with coffee enemas eventually becoming the new Wulong green tea. Trendy, multiple choices, and found at every store for your convenience. Perhaps the new diet craze? Perhaps the new Starbutts?

I remember being weirded out by my elders always talking about their health problems with everyone in public. Amidst talking of kidneys, constipation, heartburn, earwax, and mucus, we have the lovely responsibility of talking about coffee enemas. Today I realize, I have arrived. I am no longer a kid.

At 32, I remain one at heart giggling at silly things. I am laughing now. Feel free.